What the smell of rubbing alcohol swabs made me think about this morning....
I seriously don’t know where to start this post.
Maybe because it seems like a whole lifetime ago since I was “fighting” cancer.
Or, maybe its because it WAS a “lifetime” ago!
You see, I am no longer in the “fight” for my life.
I am not on a drip counting sheep before dozing off because of the sleepy meds that was shot up my ass essentially.
I am not begging god to take this illness away from me and not crying in mirrors while shooting vids for this blog.
However, I am “fighting” to get my life back to where it was BEFORE being told I was going to be “fighting” cancer.
Those of you who know what I am talking about seem to be the ONLY ones who get it.
Seriously, I am not making this up my PEOPLES! :)
I just sat down at a table in the back of Panera to work on my website and brochure for personal training that I have been blessed to call a “calling.”
Then while I was going through the options for sidebar widgets, colors of font, etc…I saw a pic I took when I was in the bathroom at St. Anthony’s when I was crying my face off for the chemo to stop.
So, I curiously went to my OLD blog I kept up during my journey and BOOM…SHIT GOT REAL SON!
So, where do I begin now that I am not fighting cancer anymore?
I know, I describe the kite I fly on sandy beaches while listening to “Happy” repeat itself on my iPod!
I could describe what its like to write a blog post on a rainy day that has me sleepy and asking myself, “Why are you not on a sandy beach somewhere flying a kite while listening to “Happy?”
Here I am again…in the present…Speaking to someONE out there that will take the time to read this post scattered with utter nonsense HOPING they didn’t waste their time with clicking the link to this INTERESTING Cancer “fighting” blog.
I think I am buying time while trying to think of something savvy to talk about.
Seriously, I say “seriously” a lot which I think is enough juice to spark something savvy to talk about here…LOL!
Im ridiculously funny…I know!
This “fight” thing…Those of us who are so “privileged” to go through this seem to come out with something to talk about with friends and family that seem to ALWAYS metaphorically go back to the “fight.”
Take for instance me…I use my cancer journey to make people feel like shit when they give me stupid nonsense excuses as to why they can’t finish the last rep of the last set of the workout!
I use my experience with cancer to relate to others who are in lives trenches!
I use this freaking experience to limit myself maybe from going further in life…I have been told.
And you know what…Those people never had to “fight this fucking “fight” like us!!!
You know what, there are better words I could use instead of “fuck” to say the word “fuck” to illicit the same reaction as if I were using the “fuck” word…LOL!
Maybe I could use:
ha ha ha ha!
So here is the meaty part of this post…
Before I got sick, I was randomly trying to better myself.
I read books, watched videos, attended seminars, etc.
I wrote to do lists, used post it notes, journaled my thoughts, slept restfully.
I danced to loud music, low music, considered myself tech savvy.
Then I got sick and forgot what it was like to live!
I forgot how to sleep restfully, write in journals, attentively attend seminars.
I forgot how to be present, dream for the future, reflect on blessings.
I forgot how to…well, A lot.
People who had been there and done that say its just how it happened with them and others who have never been on this road tend to tell me Its ADD, lack of drive and focus, etc.
I guess this post is going to be called something like, “POST-FIGHT “FIGHT.”
Please know, I KNOW I do NOT want my life back to where it was before cancer.
I KNOW that I am in the same life “fight” like everyone else.
I KNOW that God has blessed me and continues to bless me regardless.
I KNOW that I am POWERFUL beyond measure!
I KNOW I am IN LOVE with loving God and my wife!
I KNOW that where ever my thoughts go…there I am!
I KNOW that I still think about cancer a lot and all the shit I went through!
I KNOW that I never grieved the way you think I should’ve grieved!
By the way, those of you who keep saying that don’t realize that I lived this shit in front of the world and maybe it was my grieving DURING the “fight” and I didn’t have much to grieve about after….Maybe?
And finally, I KNOW that I am on to something picking this blog back up today.
I seem to be a “KNOW IT ALL!”
HA HA HA HA!!!!
I love you guys and I pray your day is blessed and full of laughter, life and love!!!
You’re brother from another mudda,